Ask #staymarried: I cheated. Now what?

Ask #staymarried - advice on marriage, love, and relationshipsHi Tony and Michelle,

First I will say my story. I have been with my husband for seven years total (married for three years). We have two living kids, my oldest being three, almost four, and my youngest being seven weeks. My second child passed away to SIDS at six months old.

Many times I have cheated on my husband in our time being together and he always forgave me and stayed with me. He is away from home right now working since I found out I was pregnant. I live in my grandmother’s house, taking care of it, in a little village of less than 200 people. About two months ago, before I had my recent baby, my cousin asked me if her and her boyfriend can stay over while her boyfriend works. My cousin helps clean and babysit my kids while I work.

Well my husband requested that they should stay somewhere else because he doesn’t feel comfortable with another man being in the home with me. I am worried to talk to my cousin about it because it is also her grandmother’s house.

How can I kick them out without offending her?

Mia

Dearest Mia,

This all sounds terribly hard. You and your husband have been through a lot in the short seven years of life together. When trust has been broken in a relationship, rebuilding that trust becomes essential so that your marriage can last. A part of rebuilding that trust is to put your husband’s wishes and concerns above everyone else… even family.

I don’t mean to sound insensitive. I realize this feels like a very complex situation, especially dealing with the loss of your second child. However, since you have a history of cheating on your husband, it is now your responsibility to re-build trust with him. Once trust has been lost, a relationship becomes very fragile and must be cared for with even more delicate effort than ever before.

Where trust is, love can flourish. - #staymarriedI can understand that you find your cousin and her boyfriend helpful, so you will have to make some tough decisions. If you can’t ask them to move out, are you willing to find a different living situation for yourself while your husband is away working? Do you value the childcare your cousin provides more than you value your husband’s trust in you? Do you want to stay married? If you haven’t already, I really recommend you read this quick post: Don’t You Trust Me? – The 5 Characteristics of Trust. It will give you greater insight into why this is so important.

You may not be able to navigate this without offending your cousin, but your marriage is the more important relationship. Ultimately, your husband has every right to make this request and have it honored. It is now up to you to make every possible effort to honor it.

With so much love,

Michelle

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The #staymarried blog was created to offer hope, stories, and resources for couples who want to stay married.

::Fine print disclaimer stuff::
We are not therapists, doctors, lawyers, or any other type of trained experts so what we write is not to be taken as fact or prescription. We always recommend you seek professional help when it is needed. The opinions shared here are our own and do not reflect any business or organization unless explicitly stated. We will not be held liable for any negative outcomes that arise from taking our advice since we are, well, just a blog. Use your own wisdom and discretion and feel free to completely disagree with us. We won’t be offended.

Tony and Michelle Peterson #staymarried

If you enjoyed this post, you may also like some of these from our archives:
Ask #staymarried: My future MIL hates me. What should I do?
Don’t You Trust Me? – The 5 Characteristics of Trust
♥ Recovering from Infidelity

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Thanks for reading, sharing, and being a part of this #staymarried community!

~ Michelle

 

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2 thoughts on “Ask #staymarried: I cheated. Now what?

  1. So well said, Michelle. “Your marriage is the more important relationship” Gosh. Sometimes, I wish that was tattooed on my forehead.
    I just love you. and Tony.

  2. Very well said Michelle. I encourage the original poster to keep in mind that respect is a two way street. I understand and respect Mia is trying to be of good assistance to her cousin; however, my hope is that the cousin would easily understand the need to maintain some boundaries and respect toward her husband and his desires. On another note, the history of infidelity is one that will continue if Mia doesn’t take some time to identify what the root causes are of her not being faithful? Are there needs she isn’t having filled? Is she seeking something that she feels like she can’t get at home? etc.

    Good luck and remember you have a right to ask for others to respect your marriage and the needs in your marriage.

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