Ep. 5 of The #staymarried Podcast: Contempt is Sulfuric Acid for Love

The #staymarried PODCAST - a brand new series featuring The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John GottmanCan you believe we are already on Episode 5 of The #staymarried PODCAST? We can’t!

If you are a little behind in our Series The Seven Do’s and Four Don’ts for a Long and Happy Marriage, here’s what we’ve covered so far…

♥ Ep. 1 – Intro to The #staymarried Podcast and The Gottman Institute
♥ Ep. 2 – Do #1 – Exploring Love Maps
♥ Ep. 3 – Do #2 – Nurture Fondness and Admiration
♥ Ep. 4 – Don’t #1 – Criticism is a Relationship Killer

Today, in Episode 5, we’ve got another Don’t – Contempt. This one is critical because it can be really sneaky. I’ll confess some contemptuous feelings I’ve had toward Tony in the area of parenthood and we will also share with you the antidote to this big marriage don’t.

As always, this series is based on the New York Time’s Bestseller The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work because those researchers are smart and they know what they are talking about.
Ok, go ahead and have a listen…

The #staymarried PODCAST - a brand new series featuring The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman

Contempt can be combated with respect and appreciation. We shared some things we appreciate about each other, so now it’s your turn. You can use this exercise below to kick start your own ideas about your partner. This is a really fun thing to do together!  (PIN IT so you can come back to it later)

The #staymarried PODCAST - a brand new series featuring The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman

 

 

 

 The #staymarried blog was created to offer hope, stories, and resources for couples who want to stay married.

If you found this post helpful, we would be honored if you would share it. Our big dream is to see more and more people living in happy and healthy marriages!

Tony and Michelle Peterson #staymarriedIf you’re NEW HERE, check out our About Page and read a little more about my own background on our first post. You can also find us on the socials: PinterestTwitterFacebook, and Instagram. I’d love to connect on any of your favorite platforms.

Thank you ever so much for reading, sharing, and being a part of this #staymarried community!

~ Michelle

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9 responses

  • I love hearing your voices!! I’m currently separated but trying hard to understand my role in the downfall. I’m very contemptuous, it is so apparent to me, now. What I’m unsure if is how I’m supposed to not be! My spouse is a drug user and rageful, and can be incredibly unkind to the kids, me, etc. I’m trying to understand boundaries, righteous and appropriate anger, and avoiding contempt. I don’t know if this marriage has a single hope, or if it should, even. But I’d like to at least grow through this if possible.

    • Oh Becky!
      First, thanks for chiming in. Contempt can be a really tough one to recognize because it sneaks in, doesn’t it? Amazing that you recognize it!
      As you know, Tony and I are not therapists, and yours definitely seems like an issue to bring up with a trained professional. Regardless of the status of your marriage, I think for you to be whole and healthy for your kids, you could benefit greatly from going alone. Here are some counseling resources we recommend: Counseling
      In the mean time, in my opinion, I think it is wise not to have your children in the same home with a known drug user. Your spouse may be able to get help and heal, but until then, their behavior will continue to be untrustworthy making you and the kids feel unsafe.

      #staymarried is our HOPE, not ever a command. We absolutely recognize there are situations where staying married is not the best option for anyone. So, I don’t want you to think that we are “anti-divorce” and that you should work it out at all costs. Please be safe and healthy first and foremost!
      With Love!
      Michelle

  • I appreciate you both so much! What a great explanation of contempt. And the anecdote – Appreciation.
    Keep doing what you’re doing. You both have a special way of articulating the information of Gottman and making these truths applicable in our daily lives. I am able to model after you and apply your examples both in my marriage and in my counseling practice 🙂
    Thanks!
    Karen

  • Hey Michelle and Tony,

    Another very good podcast! You guys are so fun!! And you have 3 adorable girls to boot. Anyway, I wanted to pass along to you a sermon series I’ve been listening to. I think it correlates well with your message, it’s called ” Staying in Love” by Andy Stanley of Northpoint community church here in the Atlanta area. I hope you will listen and see what you think. I think it’s a good one to pass along. Thanks for all you guys do! I feel as if I’m really growing and hopefully getting “healthy” in my thinking about relationship! Have a great day. ( you can google the sermon series and listen or watch for free)

    • GOOOOOOOOD QUESTION! Hmm… Once upon a time, before we had kids, I was being pretty contemptuous of Tony and treating him pretty badly in an argument. He very calmly looked at me and said, “Do you hear the way you are speaking to me right now? Your tone? It’s pretty rude.” It stopped me in my tracks and had a pretty big impact on what was acceptable and what wasn’t between the two of us. I don’t know if that would be received well by your significant other, but sometimes we just have to – with kindness and respect – stand up for ourselves.