S3 E20 | The Positive Perspective

A Positive Perspective Could Make All The Difference #staymarriedIt’s natural to feel the impact of negative interactions more intensely than the positive ones. But, if we want to enjoy our marriages for decades to come, we need to learn the practice and benefits of developing a positive perspective.

In this episode we break down what we’ve learned from Dr. John Gottman and others about this essential marriage ingredient.

 

Enjoy!

 

Listen to “S3 E20: The Positive Perspective” on Spreaker.

 

For more about the Positive Perspective, check out this article on The Gottman Blog by Zach Brittle:

The Positive Perspective

Feel free to leave a comment or question below for us or you can submit a question privately here: Ask #staymarried. We may even answer your question in an upcoming episode.

And, of course, keep in touch with us on the socials: TwitterFacebook, and Instagram. I’d love to connect on any of your favorite platforms. We can’t wait to hear from you!


Tony and Michelle Peterson 2017The #staymarried blog was created to offer hope, stories, and resources for couples who want to stay married.

If you’re NEW HERE, check out our About Page and read a little more about my own background on our first post.

Thank you for reading, sharing, and being a part of this #staymarried community!

~ Michelle

 

Season 2 Ep. 4 of The #staymarried Podcast: The Simple Romance in Staying Connected – with guest Zach Brittle

Season 2 Episode 4 of The #staymarried Podcast: The Simple Romance in Staying Connected with Zach BrittleIn marriage, it’s easy to end up in our own lanes running parallel to each other. We need to be purposeful about finding points of intersection and connection, to meet each other there, to continue to grow together. Without intersecting and connecting, you become exactly what you don’t want to become: roommates.

In today’s episode of The #staymarried Podcast we talk with Zach Brittle, a couples therapist, writer, and teacher here in the Seattle area about what it really takes to stay connected and how romance is really about trust.

Here’s Season 2, Episode 4 of The #staymarried Podcast

Continue reading “Season 2 Ep. 4 of The #staymarried Podcast: The Simple Romance in Staying Connected – with guest Zach Brittle”

15 Ways to Calm a Fight

15 Ways to Calm a Fight - #staymarriedHave you ever been in a fight that you knew was going nowhere? Have you ever been in a fight that you knew was going nowhere AND you wanted it to end, but couldn’t figure out how to stop bickering? The way a couple ends a fight says a lot about the quality of their relationship and the stability of their marriage. Dr. John Gottman, the foremost researcher on marriage, calls these fight ending techniques “Repair Attempts” and says the way they are delivered and whether or not they are received can predict the longevity of the relationship!

Tony and I agree that in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the overarching ideas really come down to having good manners. But, there’s clearly more to it than that if there are so many books on marriage, so many years of research, and still so many couples getting divorced, right? None of the research out there says that couples should avoid fighting. Instead, Dr. Gottman and researchers like him concentrate on how couples fight. One thing they’ve noticed that affects whether or not a couple will stay married is how they make and receive these repair attempts.

I threw out this idea to some friends and asked, “What are some common repair attempts between you and your husband?” Here’s what some of them said… Continue reading “15 Ways to Calm a Fight”

Ep.12 The #staymarried Podcast Series FINALE: Create Shared Meaning

How to Create the Marriage You've Always Wanted - #staymarriedThis is it! The Series FINALE! Welcome to Episode 12 of The Seven Do’s and Four Don’ts for a Long and Happy Marriage.

This is the good stuff. Much of these episodes have been about navigating conflict and problem solving, which are all important. But a good marriage is much more than simply navigating conflict and trying not to make each other mad. Most people want more out of their lives and their marriage than that. We definitely do. 

Today, in Episode 12, we’ll cover Principle #7: Create Shared Meaning. To have the marriage you’ve always wanted means that you get to create your own rituals and culture around the things that are most meaningful to you. We’ll share some stories of the different family cultures we grew up in and how we are creating shared meaning in our own marriage today.

Partner With Us

We’ll be taking a break from the podcast for a bit while we continue to gather the equipment we need to pull off ideas we have for future episodes. If you’re enjoying the podcast and have found the #staymarried blog helpful in the past, we’ve created some ways that you can partner with us to help us continue to provide these free resources for couples who need them. Check out our Partner Page for some ideas. THANK YOU to those of you that already have!

Continue reading “Ep.12 The #staymarried Podcast Series FINALE: Create Shared Meaning”

Ep.11 of The #staymarried Podcast: The 6 Keys to Unlocking Gridlock in Your Marriage

6 Key to Unlocking Gridlock in Your Marriage - #staymarriedWelcome to Episode 11 of The Seven Do’s and Four Don’ts for a Long and Happy Marriage. Last week we talked about solving your solvable problems. This Episode goes one step further to talk about those things that feel unsolvable. As always, it’s going to be crucial that you have an understanding of what we’ve covered in the other episodes for this to make sense. So, I’ll list them again at the bottom of this blog post if you need to catch up.

Today, in Episode 11, we’ll cover Principle #6: Overcome Gridlock. Gridlock is any problem that feels perpetual in your marriage… that thing you argue about over and over again. We’ll explain more in this episode, share with you one of our own gridlock issues, and work through the Six Keys to Unlocking Gridlock together. Check out the graphic below and feel free to Pin it so you can come back to it later.

Continue reading “Ep.11 of The #staymarried Podcast: The 6 Keys to Unlocking Gridlock in Your Marriage”

Ep.10 of The #staymarried Podcast: The 5 Problem Solving Methods

5 Methods of Problem Solving Tall - Episode 10 of The #staymarried Podcast, a series based on The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John GottmanWelcome to Episode 10 of The Seven Do’s and Four Don’ts for a Long and Happy Marriage. THIS Episode is the reason we’ve asked you to listen to all of the episodes in order. I’ll list them again at the bottom of this blog post if you need to catch up, because the things we teach you today will be really difficult to do if you haven’t yet gotten a grasp on The Four Don’ts and the first Four Do’s.

Today, in Episode 10, we’ll cover Principle #5: Solve Your Solvable Problems. We will even share with you real time a problem we’ve been having and work through a solution together using the 5 methods we’ve learned from The Gottman Institute. If you’ve ever disagreed about anything in your marriage, you’re really going to like this one…

If you’re enjoying the podcast and have found the #staymarried blog helpful in the past, we’ve created some ways that you can partner with us to help us continue to provide these free resources for couples who need them. Check out our Partner Page for some ideas. THANK YOU to those of you that already have!

Continue reading “Ep.10 of The #staymarried Podcast: The 5 Problem Solving Methods”

Ep. 9 of The #staymarried Podcast: Stonewalling Sets You Up for Failure

The #staymarried PODCAST - series featuring The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John GottmanOkay, so we took a little break. We did give you some tips on getting through the holidays, which you should listen to again. But, we’re back with Episode 9 of The #staymarried Podcast! In this episode we’re bringing you the final Don’t of The Seven Do’s and Four Don’ts for a Long and Happy Marriage.

If you’ve missed an episode, here’s what we’ve covered so far…

♥ Ep. 1 – Intro to The #staymarried Podcast and The Gottman Institute
♥ Ep. 2 – Do #1 – Exploring Love Maps
♥ Ep. 3 – Do #2 – Nurture Fondness and Admiration
♥ Ep. 4 – Don’t #1 – Criticism is a Relationship Killer
♥ Ep. 5 – Don’t #2 – Contempt is Sulfuric Acid for Love
♥ Ep. 6 – Do #3 – Finding Romance in the Little Things
♥ Ep. 7 – Do #4 – Accepting Each Other’s Influence
♥ Ep. 8 – Don’t #3 – Defensiveness Will Drive You Apart

Today, in Episode 9, we’ve got the final DON’T – Stonewalling. This is the fourth of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”, so it is definitely one to identify and work through. This episode will teach you both…

Continue reading “Ep. 9 of The #staymarried Podcast: Stonewalling Sets You Up for Failure”

Ep. 8 of The #staymarried Podcast: Defensiveness Will Drive You Apart

The #staymarried PODCAST - a brand new series featuring The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John GottmanYou’re still listening? Our power has been out for over 24 hours here in the Seattle-ish area of Washington state. Since it’s on now, I’m going to try to get this to all of you who are enjoying electricity and internet connection. So, welcome to Episode 8 of The #staymarried Podcast! In this episode we are jumping back over to the Don’ts of The Seven Do’s and Four Don’ts for a Long and Happy Marriage.

If you’ve missed an episode, here’s what we’ve covered so far…

♥ Ep. 1 – Intro to The #staymarried Podcast and The Gottman Institute
♥ Ep. 2 – Do #1 – Exploring Love Maps
♥ Ep. 3 – Do #2 – Nurture Fondness and Admiration
♥ Ep. 4 – Don’t #1 – Criticism is a Relationship Killer
♥ Ep. 5 – Don’t #2 – Contempt is Sulfuric Acid for Love
♥ Ep. 6 – Do #3 – Finding Romance in the Little Things
♥ Ep. 7 – Do #4 – Accepting Each Other’s Influence

Today, in Episode 8, we are going over we’ve got another big relationship DON’T – Defensiveness. This is the third of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”, so it is definitely one to identify and work through. This episode will teach you both…

Continue reading “Ep. 8 of The #staymarried Podcast: Defensiveness Will Drive You Apart”

Ep. 7 of The #staymarried Podcast: Are You Accepting Each Other’s Influence?

The #staymarried PODCAST - a brand new series featuring The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John GottmanWe have made it to Episode 7 of The #staymarried Podcast! In this episode we’ll dig into another DO of The Seven Do’s and Four Don’ts for a Long and Happy Marriage.

If you’re a little behind, here’s what we’ve covered so far…

♥ Ep. 1 – Intro to The #staymarried Podcast and The Gottman Institute
♥ Ep. 2 – Do #1 – Exploring Love Maps
♥ Ep. 3 – Do #2 – Nurture Fondness and Admiration
♥ Ep. 4 – Don’t #1 – Criticism is a Relationship Killer
♥ Ep. 5 – Don’t #2 – Contempt is Sulfuric Acid for Love
♥ Ep. 6 – Do #3 – Finding Romance in the Little Things

Today, in Episode 7, we are going over another DO. The fourth principle for making your marriage work according to The Gottman Institute is: Accepting Your Partner’s Influence.  Today we’ll talk about how to go from having my way or your way to discovering OUR WAY.

Continue reading “Ep. 7 of The #staymarried Podcast: Are You Accepting Each Other’s Influence?”

Ep. 5 of The #staymarried Podcast: Contempt is Sulfuric Acid for Love

The #staymarried PODCAST - a brand new series featuring The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John GottmanCan you believe we are already on Episode 5 of The #staymarried PODCAST? We can’t!

If you are a little behind in our Series The Seven Do’s and Four Don’ts for a Long and Happy Marriage, here’s what we’ve covered so far…

♥ Ep. 1 – Intro to The #staymarried Podcast and The Gottman Institute
♥ Ep. 2 – Do #1 – Exploring Love Maps
♥ Ep. 3 – Do #2 – Nurture Fondness and Admiration
♥ Ep. 4 – Don’t #1 – Criticism is a Relationship Killer

Today, in Episode 5, we’ve got another Don’t – Contempt. This one is critical because it can be really sneaky. I’ll confess some contemptuous feelings I’ve had toward Tony in the area of parenthood and we will also share with you the antidote to this big marriage don’t. Continue reading “Ep. 5 of The #staymarried Podcast: Contempt is Sulfuric Acid for Love”

Ep. 4 of The #staymarried Podcast: Criticism is a Relationship Killer

The #staymarried PODCAST - a brand new series featuring The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John GottmanExcited to bring you Episode 4 of The #staymarried PODCAST!

Throughout this series we are talking about Seven Do’s and Four Don’ts for a Long and Happy Marriage. So far, we have shared with you two of the Do’s (Building Your Love Maps and Nurturing Fondness and Admiration) and today we are bringing you the first of the Don’s: Criticism. Again, because this is a series and each episode builds on the episode before, please go back and listen to them in order if you haven’t yet. All of this will make much more sense if you do.

 

Now that you’re all caught up, we are eager to dig into this relationship killer. Criticism is considered by Dr. John Gottman and his team as one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse – a sure sign that your marriage is in trouble. All of these ideas can be found in the New York Time’s Bestseller The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. If you don’t already have this book, you’re definitely going to want to get it. But, until you do, take a listen…

 

 

 

The #staymarried PODCAST - a brand new series featuring The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman

Criticism is a relationship killer. But, the good news is that it is a behavior and behavior can change. If you’ve been in the habit of criticizing and using “You” statements, here’s a little chart that might help you enter into your arguments a little bit more softly… (PIN IT so you can come back to it later)

Soften Your Startup - a #staymarried blog for couples

 

 

 The #staymarried blog was created to offer hope, stories, and resources for couples who want to stay married.

If you found this post helpful, we would be honored if you would share it. Our big dream is to see more and more people living in happy and healthy marriages!

Tony and Michelle Peterson #staymarriedIf you’re NEW HERE, check out our About Page and read a little more about my own background on our first post. You can also find us on the socials: PinterestTwitterFacebook, and Instagram. I’d love to connect on any of your favorite platforms.

Thank you ever so much for reading, sharing, and being a part of this #staymarried community!

~ Michelle

Ep. 3 of The #staymarried Podcast: Nurturing Fondness and Admiration

 

The #staymarried PODCAST - a series featuring The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John GottmanWelcome, welcome, once again! If you haven’t been with us in a while, we are working through a brand new Podcast Series. This is our experiment with a new medium where we get to have conversations and you get to listen in. Since it is a series, each episode will build on the one before it, so if you haven’t yet, please go back and listen to the first two. They aren’t very long and it will help you feel a little less lost in this third episode.

Now that you’re all caught up, we are excited to bring you our third episode. Today we are talking about Principle 2 of the The Sound Relationship House (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work). It’s the second of the Seven Do’s: Nurture Fondness and Admiration.

Continue reading “Ep. 3 of The #staymarried Podcast: Nurturing Fondness and Admiration”

Ep. 2 of The #staymarried Podcast: Exploring Love Maps

The #staymarried PODCAST - a brand new series featuring The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John GottmanWelcome back! If you didn’t catch the very first ever #staymarried Podcast, stop. Go back. Take a quick listen because this is a series and each episode will build on top of the one before. It won’t take long, we promise, and you’ll get to hear an unexpected guest appearance from our favorite preschooler, Nora.

Now that you’ve taken care of that, we hope you’ll enjoy this second installment. We’ll get started by introducing you to The Sound Relationship House and the first of the Seven Do’s: Creating Love Maps. Continue reading “Ep. 2 of The #staymarried Podcast: Exploring Love Maps”

Ep. 1 of The #staymarried Podcast – The Seven Do’s and Four Don’ts for a Long and Happy Marriage

The #staymarried PODCAST - A Brand New Series featuring The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John GottmanWelcome to the very first ever episode of The #staymarried Podcast!
Now available on iTunes and I’m pretty sure every other podcast app. SUBSCRIBE! Let us know if you can’t find it on yours.

It’s new, it’s our real voices, and it’s only slightly awkward to listen to. But, what the heck? Why podcast?

We’ve been sharing our hopes, stories, and resources with you for three years. Can you believe it? When we launched our very first post on October 2, 2012, we didn’t even know if anyone would read it. But you did! And you shared it with your friends! And now thousands visit the site every single day! It’s surreal, but it keeps us dreaming of more ways we can share our vision of butting up against the odds and encourage each other in this most beautiful and daunting work of marriage.

So, a podcast. It turns out that people who regularly listen to podcasts Continue reading “Ep. 1 of The #staymarried Podcast – The Seven Do’s and Four Don’ts for a Long and Happy Marriage”

What is a Love Map?

What is a Love Map? - a #staymarried blog and GiveawayIn the first year Tony and I were married, I took a new job that changed my commute from 8 minutes on a few back streets to driving 20 minutes into Seattle and then invariably spending another 20 minutes hunting for a parking space. We have always loved living so close to the city, but this was the first time I would be traveling in for work instead of just for fun.

I was excited for the position – working for a non-profit, helping lower income new parents with communication skills to improve their family life – but I was just as excited to get to know the Capitol Hill neighborhood more intimately. At first, I took the bridge over and stayed on the freeway until I got to the Google Maps prescribed exit. I only turned where I was told to, nervous to get lost and be late for work. But, over time, as I became more familiar with the obvious routes, I started to venture out and find winding roads off the ordinary path to get me to and from work. I found some yummy spots for lunch, like Bimbo’s Cantina, that I’d never been to before. I got to know Cal Anderson Park and some tasty places for happy hour that weren’t as crowded as the places I used to be familiar with. I no longer used Google Maps. I now had a map in my mind that was getting rich with details every time I turned down a new road. As I explored, I fell more in love with Capitol Hill and every inch of Seattle that I was discovering.

What is a Love Map?

I think discovering the many things about a city or neighborhood is a lot like the idea of Gottman’s “Love Maps.” We talked about this a tiny bit in last week’s post, You Had Me at “Chicken Piccata,” how Tony learned a new recipe because he knew it was a favorite dish of mine. He is so much better at remembering the details about me than I am about him. It’s definitely something I want to get better at.

I mean, when you first enter into a relationship, there is nothing to do but discover as much as you can about this person. They are fascinating and lovely and delightful, partially because they are so wonderful, but also because they are new. Then, over time, you begin to think you know them because of all the time you spent getting to know them in the beginning. What you may not realize is that they have changed. They’ve grown, just like you have, and they have new thoughts and interests.

"It doesn't matter where you're going, it's who you have beside you." - #staymarried quoteI’d lived in and around Seattle for 11 years before I took this job and really began discovering my city in detail. There was a part of me that thought I was familiar enough with this place. Still, Seattle is growing and changing as most great cities do, and there are always new things to discover. You and your spouse are like this great city. With age and experience, you are changing and becoming, hopefully, a better version of yourself than you used to be. There will always be more to discover about each other. Having a detailed “Love Map” is about growing in your understanding of the person you married. Instead of taking your familiarity for granted, you strive to keep up with the ever-changing landscape of his/her inner world.

Gottman puts it another way. He says, in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:

Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. I call this having a richly detailed love map – my term for that part of the brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life. Another way of saying this is that these couples have made plenty of cognitive room for their marriage. They remember the major events in each other’s history, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s world change.

How familiar do you think you are with your spouse’s inner thought life? How familiar do you think they are with yours?

The {Mini} Love Map Game

Interested in building up your own Love Map? There’s a great set of questions in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, and with The Gottman Institute‘s permission, we’ve created a mini version for you here. Pin it so you can come back to it over and over again!

The {Mini} Love Map Game - #staymarried

 

Click here for The #staymarried Podcast episode where we dig a little deeper into this Love Maps topic.

Whether you are just starting out in your relationship or you’ve been married for decades, there is always more to discover about the person you love. Remember: it’s the seemingly trivial details that make up the person you married. It’s worth the investment to find out what those are as well as to reveal the details of your own thoughts. Building that intricate Love Map, like discovering the quirky streets of a new city, will help you really know and fall more in love with your spouse and #staymarried.

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You are reading What is a Love Map? a #staymarried blog. If you liked this post, you may also like to read You Had Me at “Chicken Piccata” or The One Thing You Shouldn’t Do. If you think these could benefit someone else’s marriage, please consider sharing. You can also feel free to pin the images above if you like.

New to #staymarried? Welcome! Check out why we started this blog and our first entry to get a little background.

Thanks for stopping by!

~ Michelle