3 Things You Must Do When You’re Just Too Tired to Connect

3 Things You Must Do When You're Just Too Tired To Connect - #staymarriedI wonder sometimes if barriers toward intimacy cause as many divorces as fights and hostility do. What I mean is, I think intimacy is tough. It is hard to bare all in front of another person. It can be excruciating to let down our armor and really admit to how we feel, where we are weak, where we have failed, and how much we are afraid of to another person.

We know that fighting and disagreements can lead to divorce, but I think a fear of true intimacy is also a factor.

I was thinking, as I drove alone the other night while Tony was home with the girls, how easy it is not to tell him what I’ve been thinking about. We are busy… BUSY… with work and three babies and volunteering and every other normal thing that is a part of this stage of life. That busyness can lead us to exist in these parallel lives where we survive, but we do not connect. Connecting takes work and effort, and sometimes that feels like more than either of us can afford. Sometimes we just want to enjoy the silence… in those few moments when there is silence… and not communicate at all.

And, I wonder how many of you are existing in that parallel business of living together but not really knowing each other. I wonder if you see that it is the beginning of a wedge that will grow wider over time. I see it, my husband sees it, and more than that we feel the distance. I am embarrassed to admit that I tell him to check the blog or my insta feed if he wants to know what’s on my mind… and yet, I think I’ve said it all there. But, you may not have a blog or a feed that your spouse wants to scroll through. And that is not the type of connection a relationship as intimate as a marriage is supposed to have, is it? So what do you do?

Truthfully, I get the exhaustion. I get the appeal of laying in bed and exchanging zero words between the two of you… no more thinking… no more responding… all the words and explanations have been used up on the kids and everyone else that demands your attention.

But, a warning: if you allow the wedge to grow… if you don’t invest 10 minutes a day to expressing appreciation and asking each other how you’re doing… you could wind up in a divorce court in a completely preventable situation. You could end up saying to each other, “you don’t know me at all” and allow that disconnection to completely divide and separate. We’ve heard it so many times: “we just grew apart…”

3 Things You Must Do When You're Just Too Tired To Connect - #staymarried

So, when you’re just too tired, do these three things:

1. Tell your partner that you’re too tired.

Start by acknowledging the distance and the disconnection that you’re feeling. Simply saying that much can be enough to connect you for the moment. Then…

2. Make an appointment with each other.

I mean it… put it on the calendar. Maybe it’s 20 minutes while the kids nap on a Saturday. Maybe it’s an hour while you’ve checked them into the childcare at the gym. Maybe you meet up for lunch while the kids are in school. But, put it on your calendar and don’t let anything take priority over it.

3. Share something… ANYTHING.

During your appointment be ready to share three things that are on your mind and ask them three things that are on theirs. At least one of those three things should be some form of admiration or appreciation for your spouse.

Intimacy takes work. It takes effort and commitment. There are a ton of great ways to have meaningful conversations and enjoy new adventures and we could tell you about all of them. But, when you’re too tired, all of that is just too much work! When you’re too tired, all of the brilliant ideas seem brilliant for people who have more energy and time than you do. Instead of discouraging you with a huge task, we want to encourage you with these three simple steps. Avoid the wedge, or acknowledge it when you begin to feel it, and then try something small to close the distance… a six second kiss… a two minute conversation… a lingering hug… Those simple things could prevent all of those feelings of disconnection and division and truly help you both see past this utterly busy season so that you can #staymarried.

 The #staymarried blog was created to offer hope, stories, and resources for couples who want to stay married.

If you found this post helpful, we would be honored if you would share it. Our big dream is to see more and more people living in happy and healthy marriages!

Interested in more posts like this? You might like…
51 Little Ways to Build Your Marriage
71 Ways to Express Your Love When You’re Not Shakespeare
♥ Feed the Good Stuff – 10 Ways to Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

Michelle Peterson #staymarriedIf you’re NEW HERE, check out our About Page and read a little more about my own background on our first post. You can also find us on the socials: PinterestTwitterFacebook, and Instagram. I’d love to connect on any of your favorite platforms.

Thank you ever so much for reading, sharing, and being a part of this #staymarried community!

~ Michelle


7 thoughts on “3 Things You Must Do When You’re Just Too Tired to Connect

  1. Love these suggestions! Every night before bed we take two minutes and do “Gratefuls” where we take turns saying what we are grateful for that day. It helps keep us connected and reminds the other person they are paying attention to all those “little things” that we do for each other.

    1. Elyse, you are spot on with “gratefuls.” When I work with couples in marriage counseling in Houston I often advocate for the importance of expressing gratitude. It is truly a foundation for any healthy relationship, especially marriage. Saying thank you, thank you, thank you, is so simple, yet so profound and powerful. It’s easy for spouses to begin taking each other for granted–all the work done in and out of the home, the care of children, the serving of one another, and so on–when it happens daily we can begin expecting it. Instead, married couples need to remind themselves of what they appreciate in one another and share this with each other as often as possible. Gratitude in a marriage will keep a lot of couples out of a marriage counselor’s office (unless they are seeking marriage enrichment, which can be another great blessing).

  2. This reminds me of the book “the 5 love languages.” Awesome read and definitely imperative to keep the communication despite all the other drains in life.

    Great article!

  3. We have been there, and that wedge almost broke our marriage apart. It was a hard fight to bring it back from that place of darkness, and bitterness and resentment on both parts: I felt like he cared more about his job than me, he felt I was always grumpy with him… we didn’t spend any time together (my love language), I was negative with him (his is words of affirmation) a LOT, which drove him further away.

    We still struggle, it’s still hard. We both work, and I’m in college full time and the weeks when my school seems to suck up my whole life I feel myself getting grouchier when I haven’t had a chance to spend enough time with him. You have to fight for what you want, and if it is to #staymarried, than you will do the hard work.

    Thanks for keeping this blog going. <3


  4. I’ve recently discovered that the easiest way to connect, especially when you’re exausted, is through textting. You can reignite the spark and the passion in your marriage just by pushing a few buttons on your cell phone, it’s true.

    I’ve written a few posts about this on my blog, I think it’s a very interesting subject, and thanks for this great post!

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