On Thursday, we shared with you some ways to “Turn On Your Crockpot”. Now I’d like to offer you my perspective on men being like microwaves.
WARNING: This is a post for adult married couples.
A man’s desire for sexual intimacy can be radically different than a woman’s. Wives need foreplay early in the day with kind words and being attentive to her non-sexual needs. Husbands simply do not. She needs to feel loved in order to want sex… he feels loved as a result of sex. Every emotional interaction of her day is a building block directly related to the next, coming together to set the scene… He, on the other hand, can get turned on by simply seeing his wife in the right light at the right angle, and that’ll be enough to set things in motion for him.
Speaking to the metaphor, making a great crockpot meal requires prep work of exactly the right ingredients, setting up the appliance on a slow simmer, and then checking on it periodically during the day, maybe adding a few ingredients here and there. To make a good microwave meal, you need to push a few buttons. And in fact, I’m impatient enough to use the “Add 30 seconds” button just so that the cooking starts the moment I push a button, not after I hit “Start.”
The reality is, eating crockpot meals every day is time-consuming, requires a ton of planning and forethought, and can become a numbing tedium that lacks spice and spontaneity. As for microwave meals, in most cases the ingredients weren’t hand picked, and it lacks the depth of flavor that an all-day-simmer gives, but we gotta eat. That’s why there is importance in variety and balance.
I can see how the attention to detail and purposeful interactions throughout the day can make a woman feel special. I can see how speaking kindly to your wife in the morning can set the tone for the evening. As a woman, this may make complete sense to you, but as a man this concept can be a little harder to grasp. We have a natural pull toward instant gratification. When I put my money in the vending machine, I want that bag of Doritos in my hand immediately. I don’t want to think about the Doritos all day, and then enjoy the amazing flavor 9 hours later. So, if you think it’s planning and forethought that makes sex good for a man, you’re mistaken. Sure, he probably appreciates a naughty text, or a peek at some lingerie, but ultimately it’s YOU he wants, and the sooner the better.
For men, the speed at which the waiter delivers the filet mignon from the kitchen to the table does not affect the flavor. It’s still filet mignon… and it still tastes friggin’ amazing! Especially if it’s hot! Perhaps there is a certain amount of anticipation that can enhance the experience, but in all honesty, we want that amazing meal on the table NOW.
Of course, comparing sex to food is funny, but I hesitate comparing a powerful and beautiful experience to a hot pocket. The truth is, sex isn’t anything like a hot pocket… no matter how it’s served.
Hot Pockets Aren’t Healthy
Let me also offer a perspective that is slightly less humorous. There is in fact a “hot pocket,” and it is self-pleasuring. It can be a lot of work to constantly attend to your spouse’s emotional state in the hopes of bonding at the end of the day. It is a lot less work for him to just handle it himself… literally. If you’re constantly making him “work for it,” he’ll likely stop working for it and just take care of it himself. At this point both your sex life and your marriage as a whole will suffer. The sad fact is that a human being can live off hot pockets for the rest of their life. But if you’ve experienced food the way I have, you will agree with me in saying what a sad life that is and what a massive blessing you would be missing out on.
This depravity of spontaneous sexual intimacy can leave a door open for outside influence as well. Ladies, if you are making it difficult for your man to connect with you the way he needs, not only are you telling him it’d be easier for him to just handle it, but you’re opening an opportunity for someone else to be the fulfiller of that need. Being rejected over and over is a massive hit to a man’s pride and ego. How easy would it be for Ms. Bad-Intentions to make your sex-deprived husband feel like a million bucks? EASY!
Being attentive to his desires will place you at the top of his short list of “ways to satisfy this feeling I can’t control.” If you want to connect with your husband in a way he desires and increase the levels of intimacy in your marriage overall, we’ve got some ideas for you…
4 Tips to Great Microwave Meals
1. Respond to him sexually more often.
Don’t wait till you’ve both settled down and are in bed… Surprise him in the hall! Call him to the bathroom when you’re taking a shower, then invite him in. Don’t let a kiss just be a peck, make something of it and guide his hand. Respond to him when he approaches you and initiate sex yourself once in awhile.
2. Understand he needs to release sexually.
If you think to yourself “it’s been a while,” don’t wait for him to approach you. Do something about it! You already know that men, generally speaking, are more easily turned on than women. He is turned on just by the sight of you, and something is happening to him physically that may not be happening to you. When you have emotional build-up, you vent to him, or someone else, verbally. When he has sexual build up… I’ll let you draw the parallel on that one.
3. Consider the battle he’s up against.
Keep in mind that his desires are solicited to all day from surfing the web, or even standing in line at the grocery store. Create a safe place in your marriage for him to express himself and make efforts to draw his attention back to you. Be confident in knowing you’re beautiful to him, but don’t be deceived in thinking everyone else in his eyes is ugly. Have peace in knowing he chose you. The media uses women’s bodies against men… and it works. Don’t shame him for a part of his nature that’s difficult to control.
4. Don’t try to make him open up to you verbally by depriving him of sex.
You’re probably the talker… he’s probably not. Withholding sex isn’t going to change this. It’s manipulative and counterproductive. Don’t play the I-have-a-headache card when it’s not true. Remember, he feels connected as a result of sex. If you want him to open up to you, chances are you’ll get a lot more out of him emotionally when you are open to him sexually.
Ladies, don’t read this post and think all of the pressure and ownership is on you now… it’s not. Your husband is responsible for meeting your needs as well. Instead, I hope you’ll take some of these things to heart, and remember them the next time you have an opportunity to make a move. Also, it’s good to try things a bit out of character. Even if it’s difficult or embarrassing at first, in the long run it’s that kind of vulnerability that’ll help you #staymarried.
P.S. If you enjoyed this post and think it could benefit someone else’s marriage, share it! You can use the social media buttons at the top or bottom of this post. Also, if you’re new here, welcome! You might like to check out why we started this blog and my wife’s first entry to get a little background. Thanks for reading!
Photo Credit: Lindsay Kaye Photography